Lust

Being a teenager, lust is probably the biggest problem I have in my life.
And, being an 18 year old who only just had her first kiss a few months ago and has barely gone further, the combination of lust and frustration is terrible. On one hand, I want to just get the deed done, but on the other I don't want to regret it.

But is lust such a bad thing? I mean, we're mammals too, sex is of the few things we are built for. Is society shaming the act that's supposed to be natural?
That last question was rhetorical.

What's so wrong with sexuality? And why should we feel guilty about it?
With all this stuff built up inside of me, I find myself lusting after people that I have never thought of before and for that reason am reluctant to pursue. I mean, I want them, but then a little voice in my head tells me, "You'll regret it!" "Wait!" and then the voice lends me dumb words that leave me thinking about how the person is viewed by others and "would people disapprove of this?"

The fact is, I'm confused.
And the truth is that the two guys I'm surprisingly attracted to are both very nice.
But the question is: Do I like them, or is it just my hormones going wacky?

The only way to find out, I think, would be to go through with it.
But society has built such guilt in me when it comes to these things. And considering my own reputation/how my friends and others see me, I'm even more reluctant.

Again, this is a post without a point. Just my thoughts which, as usual, are jumbled and confused.

I have no idea what I want. And I think I have to start putting myself out there to find out.

But it's scary. And is lust even really a bad thing??
I can't seem to come to a conclusion.

You can go back to your life now,

Kiah

UPDATE: So after some "research", I have concluded that lust really isn't a bad thing at all.

Without lust, there is no passion.

Being a passionate person myself, this is extremely important to me. What is anything without a little passion?

That's all folks.

A Quote

"To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places-- and there are so many-- where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory."

- Howard Zinn

Suck It Up!

So here is something that I've come to admit that I really have to start doing, but that I'm also finding impossible.

No matter what's going on, things will ultimately eventually get better. It might take a while, but they will change. Either that, or you'll get used to them, and things won't be so shitty anymore.

This year off that I'm taking is getting to me. It depresses me to the point that I'm not sure I can go on. I have nine months left of this, and I'm not sure I can even survive one.
I know I hold high expectations for myself. Since grade nine I expected, at this point, to be off at university, far away from my family and making new friends that maybe had a few more interests in common with me. Of course that's not the case. Of course I'm stuck in "The Bubble" with no way out but university, which is something I'll firstly have to wait for, and something I'll secondly have to try and afford.

I guess the stress is getting to me. And that stress is turning into anxiety. And that anxiety turns into depression.

I just need to remind myself to live. To keep dreaming. To keep hoping. Because nothing lasts forever.

This post was more for my personal benefit than the sharing of my own insights.
Unfortunately, this is something I'll never come to terms with. I'm too fucked up for that.

You can go back to your life now.

Kiah

Hypocritical Opinion

So I've come to pretty much despise everything in the world.

Okay, bit of an exaggeration. However, I'm just really not impressed.
I've noticed the superficiality of our society and it really angers me. To the point that I don't care anymore. I keep thinking of my job and what I'm supposed to do and the very fact that I'm involved in the most fucking shallow industry (retail, waddup!) disappoints me...in myself, I mean.
And yet I don't know how to change this.
And at the same time I know I follow suit with everyone else.

I'm someone who appreciates beauty--I am a lover of art and all things that inspire the creation of art. I suppose art is generally made in pursuit of beauty (as I've written that, I know I'm wrong but I'm not sure exactly how else to say what I mean) and so I shouldn't be so miserable right now.

I guess my main thing is that I don't want to watch the fucking show that my whole job is centered around because I honestly don't give a fuck. At first I thought that this brand sought to give women confidence--which on one hand, yes, it does, by creating something that looks nice and fits well. That being said, the "spokespeople" of this brand are complete twigs (now I understand when people are naturally thin, but my point is I wouldn't be accepted to be one of them at my current size).

There really isn't a point to this. I'm just really fed up.
Everything is so fake, I can't stand it. Originality's been thrown out the window. I have barely any respect for what's mainstream these days.
It's...disgusting.

You can go back to your life now.

Kiah

On Love

It's now clear to me that I will likely be alone for a very long time.
This isn't me moping, on the contrary, I believe that love will surely be my own demise.

I'm a woman of passion. Nothing I do is halfway done. And so were I to fall in love and, as I'm lead to believe by others and literature, devote my life to another being, I believe all other things on my mind should fall away. And what would I be then?

If love were to ever succeed with me, the man I fall in love with should be passionate as well. And selfish. Though it is nice to be around thoughtful people, the selfish man will likely more readily forgive me for my own selfishness.
Is it strange that I'd love someone self-absorbed? Someone who knows their goals and goes after them.
Though not a requirement, I do quite like the idea of an artistic man, perhaps a fellow actor. I've always adored the idea of having photographer or director beau.

I'm attracted to talent. With passion always comes talent, at least in my experience. When one loves something they put everything into getting better at it. Oh, how attractive talent is...
Which explains my (few) infatuations-- the real ones, that is. There were some merely because I liked the idea of that boy or man, but not he in himself.
As I think now, the only two "attainable" men I've ever had a crush on were talented in sport and smart in school, though one did not show that in his marks exactly. But he had a mind that made me think...

My current infatuation is with a man I'll surely never meet (such is the fate of the forever-alone, those around you become uninteresting and the unattainable become the object of affection). Though good-looking, I know this feeling starts completely with what he does and how he does it. He's an actor. And he's said that he is intent on putting his career first.
Essentially, he's perfect.

I don't want someone merely to call my boyfriend. I want someone who I can talk with. I want someone who I can learn about. I want someone with more beneath the surface.
And as I begin to define who this is in my mind, the list of eligible bachelors decreases considerably.

And that is why I believe I will likely be alone for a long time.

You can go back to your life now.

Kiah

Oppressed Creation

The artist in me is screaming out,
She wants to be unleashed.
A thousand days behind locked doors,
This entrapment must be ceased.
Inspiration fights to tear
down the walls of her cell.
Her heart beats fast, a caged dove,
Depression begins to swell.
A slow dive down, she fears the bottom,
When she reaches it, where will she be?
A fragment of herself, beauty brought down,
To darkness; she can no longer breathe.

Capitalism and My Bank Account

After living in a school uniform for four years, it seems I neglected my closet. It was a rather chilly day a few weeks ago when I opened my closet to find nothing. Okay, there were clothes, but not any that I'd wear at my present age (or size, for that matter).

But fret not, after two weeks of sporadic shopping and plenty of disappointment in the stores at my local mall, yesterday I finally completed what can be called my "fall wardrobe." From the time I returned home until, oh, five minutes ago, I was suddenly stress free.

So, what happened in the last five minutes?
I checked my bank account balance.

I don't think I could ever really call myself a frugal person. I've got the mindset, but when it comes down to it, saving money is not my forte. It's not as though I have a problem, it's just that a) my friends seem to have a lot more than me and are willing to pay that much more for things and b) everything these days is so damn expensive!

I'm expected to be able to afford clothing, food, and whatever little I'd need for recreational activities like seeing movies, as well as saving as much as I can to go to university next fall on the measly paychecks I get from my minimum-wage, few shift part-time job. Now, I get it, it's a part-time job, I shouldn't expect much. But damnit, I'm sick of stressing over money!

The world isn't fair anymore! Capitalism has ruined us, I think. People have become monsters, only worried about how much they can leech from consumers rather than selling things for its worth. But perhaps clothing isn't my main target of criticism...

I value education, understand it's importance, but honestly $19 000 just for one year of schooling (this including residence, etc.), to me, is ridiculous. It's justifiable, sure, because no where else offers a cheaper education (or at least not by much). But back in the day, it was far cheaper to go off to school! Universities actually wanted students to attend. Now, it seems, their concern for bettering their students only goes so far...if you can pay them the amount of a house for your bachelor's degree.

On one hand, it seems worth it to just go to a different university or college that might allow me to go into debt at a smaller level. But the fact is, I have dreams, I know where I want to go, and to have to tailor that because the government won't help out its students is preposterous.
Did you know that after the Second World War the Canadian government considered scrapping tuition fees all together? Why can't this idea/attitude hold up today?

Everyone's entitled to education, to clothing, to a home, to food...but not all of us can afford it.
The world's becoming a sad place.
I just wish the people in charge of these things would be a little more empathetic.

You can go back to your life now.

Kiah

I'm Tired

I really wish that everything was all right.
I'm tired of the stress, it seems unending.
I'm tired of the unfulfilled dreams, the list is always growing.
I'm tried of being stuck here.
I'm tired of not having enough.

I'm tired.

You can go back to your life now.

Kiah

Body Issues

It has become clear to me in the past year that I have serious issues with my body.

I like my face, I like my feet, I somewhat like my hands (when it's cold they tend to have the appearance of an elderly lady), but I pretty much hate everything else.

Because of stress I've been slowly expanding since around March. I stopped exercising regularly and began eating a lot more. Given, I don't think I've gained that much weight. But it's what I've lost that's bugging me: muscle tone (but that's not what this post is about) and my good body image.

Honestly, I remember the days when I didn't care about going out in a bikini when I was on vacation, when I would wear whatever the hell I wanted because I could...but now I see myself as this blob and that is totally not the case! Consciously, I know that I'm considered thin. But subconsciously, there's this nagging. I'm at a good weight for my body, really healthy actually, but I don't feel it.

I started thinking about this less than half an hour ago when I put on this new shirt I bought, lifted my arms, and the button at my chest popped open. Just undid itself! Can I just say how friggin' useless breasts are to a childless teenager? I remember when I got comfortable at a B-cup and thought it was over but then fast-forward a year an a half and I'm at a D! (Okay, you probably didn't want to hear this, but I'm venting.)

I'll probably continue on this thought later, when I can come to some conclusions.

Right now I'm too busy having unhealthy thoughts and feeling guilty for the junk food I ate not long ago.

And how sore I am from the intense workouts I've been doing these past two days.

And how pissed I am at my mother for commenting on the amount of time I'm on the computer, which just makes me feel so much worst.

This is terrible.

You can go back to your life now.

Kiah

Outward Portrayal

I recently noticed that everyone sees me a lot differently than I see myself. And I'm not sure that I like that. Because I like the me I know much better. And I'm not sure how to make people see me that way.

My parents know me all right, I guess. It's my friends that are different. In every group of friends I've always, always been the "funny one," but the fact is I'm really not that funny. Obviously I must be because everyone sees me that way, but I just don't get it...the things that I say are never meant to entertain.

Now it's not as if people have a negative perception of me. Quite the contrary, people genuinely seem to like me so I suppose how I'm seen isn't bad from that perspective...but, all the same...

No one takes me seriously as the "funny one." I absolutely hate this view of me because I'm made fun of all the time to point where I don't want to tell people things or don't want to wear certain things or go certain places in fear of being judge or not taken seriously. I really do pride myself on who I am but, again, no one sees that. But I go along with it because I don't think people can see me any other way.

The truth is, I don't want to go to university across the country because of the education. One reason I have is the campus because it's beautiful.

But the driving forces of my decision to leave are two reasons: first, for acting and, second, for a fresh start.

I love all of my friends here, but I really can't take this anymore.

I think this post is fuelled by things that happened a few days ago, where I took on another role as a friend which felt over-looked. Again, I love my friends. But they don't know me.

You can go back to your life now.

Kiah

It's been a while...

Not just a while. It's been a year and a half.

I've noticed this trend that I have, to not finish what I start. According to astrology it's an Aries thing, but it would be really nice to overcome that. It would be nice to finish something one day.

So I'm taking a year off which, though I was excited about it in September, feels more like a mistake now. I long to leave my city and just journey out into the world. I crave to learn about new things (and though I am always on Wikipedia, I am not satisfied). I just want a new start. Sure, I'll miss my friends (I plan on moving across the country), but more than anything I need my independence.

I wonder if it's a bad thing to always be desiring something new. I first really thought about this in my English class in grade twelve. This one guy did a seminar on the Black Sox scandal and asked that question: "Is it bad to always be striving for something more?"

I answered no. Without a goal, I'd be lost. I make small ones day-to-day and have big ones for my life. I like the feeling of accomplishment whenever I finish one, and I like to always be making myself better. When I'm not doing that, life tends to be boring and depressing.

Well, he disagreed. He said he thinks we should focus more on what's good right now and be happy with what we have. We should appreciate life for what it's worth and then enjoy that which is new as it comes along.

I've never really thought of life that way, or at least not to the point when I've followed it. It's something that someone suggested a do a few years back when I was going through some things, but I never did. In fact, I kind of buried myself into acting.

Which brings me to another thought: if you find happiness only when you're doing one thing, is that bad? On one hand, with acting, I suppose I am avoiding whatever's wrong with me, whatever makes me sad, but on the other hand I can't imagine my life without it. Especially since I don't know what the problem is when I sink into the sad part of myself. How can I face something that I can't even identify? So it's easier to look forward, hope for the best, set goals, achieve, and move on. But maybe the key to me getting over whatever it is I'm affected by is relishing and being more grateful for the present?

I'm not looking for a therapist and I'm not necessarily looking for a solution or a different method for me to live my life...

To be honest, I've just confused myself. I don't know what I want out of this whole ramble...

But I do want to raise enough money to go to the university of my dreams. It's my only way out. I have to get there.

To stay here would be to...die.

You can go back to your life now,

Kiah