On Love

It's now clear to me that I will likely be alone for a very long time.
This isn't me moping, on the contrary, I believe that love will surely be my own demise.

I'm a woman of passion. Nothing I do is halfway done. And so were I to fall in love and, as I'm lead to believe by others and literature, devote my life to another being, I believe all other things on my mind should fall away. And what would I be then?

If love were to ever succeed with me, the man I fall in love with should be passionate as well. And selfish. Though it is nice to be around thoughtful people, the selfish man will likely more readily forgive me for my own selfishness.
Is it strange that I'd love someone self-absorbed? Someone who knows their goals and goes after them.
Though not a requirement, I do quite like the idea of an artistic man, perhaps a fellow actor. I've always adored the idea of having photographer or director beau.

I'm attracted to talent. With passion always comes talent, at least in my experience. When one loves something they put everything into getting better at it. Oh, how attractive talent is...
Which explains my (few) infatuations-- the real ones, that is. There were some merely because I liked the idea of that boy or man, but not he in himself.
As I think now, the only two "attainable" men I've ever had a crush on were talented in sport and smart in school, though one did not show that in his marks exactly. But he had a mind that made me think...

My current infatuation is with a man I'll surely never meet (such is the fate of the forever-alone, those around you become uninteresting and the unattainable become the object of affection). Though good-looking, I know this feeling starts completely with what he does and how he does it. He's an actor. And he's said that he is intent on putting his career first.
Essentially, he's perfect.

I don't want someone merely to call my boyfriend. I want someone who I can talk with. I want someone who I can learn about. I want someone with more beneath the surface.
And as I begin to define who this is in my mind, the list of eligible bachelors decreases considerably.

And that is why I believe I will likely be alone for a long time.

You can go back to your life now.

Kiah

Oppressed Creation

The artist in me is screaming out,
She wants to be unleashed.
A thousand days behind locked doors,
This entrapment must be ceased.
Inspiration fights to tear
down the walls of her cell.
Her heart beats fast, a caged dove,
Depression begins to swell.
A slow dive down, she fears the bottom,
When she reaches it, where will she be?
A fragment of herself, beauty brought down,
To darkness; she can no longer breathe.

Capitalism and My Bank Account

After living in a school uniform for four years, it seems I neglected my closet. It was a rather chilly day a few weeks ago when I opened my closet to find nothing. Okay, there were clothes, but not any that I'd wear at my present age (or size, for that matter).

But fret not, after two weeks of sporadic shopping and plenty of disappointment in the stores at my local mall, yesterday I finally completed what can be called my "fall wardrobe." From the time I returned home until, oh, five minutes ago, I was suddenly stress free.

So, what happened in the last five minutes?
I checked my bank account balance.

I don't think I could ever really call myself a frugal person. I've got the mindset, but when it comes down to it, saving money is not my forte. It's not as though I have a problem, it's just that a) my friends seem to have a lot more than me and are willing to pay that much more for things and b) everything these days is so damn expensive!

I'm expected to be able to afford clothing, food, and whatever little I'd need for recreational activities like seeing movies, as well as saving as much as I can to go to university next fall on the measly paychecks I get from my minimum-wage, few shift part-time job. Now, I get it, it's a part-time job, I shouldn't expect much. But damnit, I'm sick of stressing over money!

The world isn't fair anymore! Capitalism has ruined us, I think. People have become monsters, only worried about how much they can leech from consumers rather than selling things for its worth. But perhaps clothing isn't my main target of criticism...

I value education, understand it's importance, but honestly $19 000 just for one year of schooling (this including residence, etc.), to me, is ridiculous. It's justifiable, sure, because no where else offers a cheaper education (or at least not by much). But back in the day, it was far cheaper to go off to school! Universities actually wanted students to attend. Now, it seems, their concern for bettering their students only goes so far...if you can pay them the amount of a house for your bachelor's degree.

On one hand, it seems worth it to just go to a different university or college that might allow me to go into debt at a smaller level. But the fact is, I have dreams, I know where I want to go, and to have to tailor that because the government won't help out its students is preposterous.
Did you know that after the Second World War the Canadian government considered scrapping tuition fees all together? Why can't this idea/attitude hold up today?

Everyone's entitled to education, to clothing, to a home, to food...but not all of us can afford it.
The world's becoming a sad place.
I just wish the people in charge of these things would be a little more empathetic.

You can go back to your life now.

Kiah

I'm Tired

I really wish that everything was all right.
I'm tired of the stress, it seems unending.
I'm tired of the unfulfilled dreams, the list is always growing.
I'm tried of being stuck here.
I'm tired of not having enough.

I'm tired.

You can go back to your life now.

Kiah