Body Issues

It has become clear to me in the past year that I have serious issues with my body.

I like my face, I like my feet, I somewhat like my hands (when it's cold they tend to have the appearance of an elderly lady), but I pretty much hate everything else.

Because of stress I've been slowly expanding since around March. I stopped exercising regularly and began eating a lot more. Given, I don't think I've gained that much weight. But it's what I've lost that's bugging me: muscle tone (but that's not what this post is about) and my good body image.

Honestly, I remember the days when I didn't care about going out in a bikini when I was on vacation, when I would wear whatever the hell I wanted because I could...but now I see myself as this blob and that is totally not the case! Consciously, I know that I'm considered thin. But subconsciously, there's this nagging. I'm at a good weight for my body, really healthy actually, but I don't feel it.

I started thinking about this less than half an hour ago when I put on this new shirt I bought, lifted my arms, and the button at my chest popped open. Just undid itself! Can I just say how friggin' useless breasts are to a childless teenager? I remember when I got comfortable at a B-cup and thought it was over but then fast-forward a year an a half and I'm at a D! (Okay, you probably didn't want to hear this, but I'm venting.)

I'll probably continue on this thought later, when I can come to some conclusions.

Right now I'm too busy having unhealthy thoughts and feeling guilty for the junk food I ate not long ago.

And how sore I am from the intense workouts I've been doing these past two days.

And how pissed I am at my mother for commenting on the amount of time I'm on the computer, which just makes me feel so much worst.

This is terrible.

You can go back to your life now.

Kiah

Outward Portrayal

I recently noticed that everyone sees me a lot differently than I see myself. And I'm not sure that I like that. Because I like the me I know much better. And I'm not sure how to make people see me that way.

My parents know me all right, I guess. It's my friends that are different. In every group of friends I've always, always been the "funny one," but the fact is I'm really not that funny. Obviously I must be because everyone sees me that way, but I just don't get it...the things that I say are never meant to entertain.

Now it's not as if people have a negative perception of me. Quite the contrary, people genuinely seem to like me so I suppose how I'm seen isn't bad from that perspective...but, all the same...

No one takes me seriously as the "funny one." I absolutely hate this view of me because I'm made fun of all the time to point where I don't want to tell people things or don't want to wear certain things or go certain places in fear of being judge or not taken seriously. I really do pride myself on who I am but, again, no one sees that. But I go along with it because I don't think people can see me any other way.

The truth is, I don't want to go to university across the country because of the education. One reason I have is the campus because it's beautiful.

But the driving forces of my decision to leave are two reasons: first, for acting and, second, for a fresh start.

I love all of my friends here, but I really can't take this anymore.

I think this post is fuelled by things that happened a few days ago, where I took on another role as a friend which felt over-looked. Again, I love my friends. But they don't know me.

You can go back to your life now.

Kiah

It's been a while...

Not just a while. It's been a year and a half.

I've noticed this trend that I have, to not finish what I start. According to astrology it's an Aries thing, but it would be really nice to overcome that. It would be nice to finish something one day.

So I'm taking a year off which, though I was excited about it in September, feels more like a mistake now. I long to leave my city and just journey out into the world. I crave to learn about new things (and though I am always on Wikipedia, I am not satisfied). I just want a new start. Sure, I'll miss my friends (I plan on moving across the country), but more than anything I need my independence.

I wonder if it's a bad thing to always be desiring something new. I first really thought about this in my English class in grade twelve. This one guy did a seminar on the Black Sox scandal and asked that question: "Is it bad to always be striving for something more?"

I answered no. Without a goal, I'd be lost. I make small ones day-to-day and have big ones for my life. I like the feeling of accomplishment whenever I finish one, and I like to always be making myself better. When I'm not doing that, life tends to be boring and depressing.

Well, he disagreed. He said he thinks we should focus more on what's good right now and be happy with what we have. We should appreciate life for what it's worth and then enjoy that which is new as it comes along.

I've never really thought of life that way, or at least not to the point when I've followed it. It's something that someone suggested a do a few years back when I was going through some things, but I never did. In fact, I kind of buried myself into acting.

Which brings me to another thought: if you find happiness only when you're doing one thing, is that bad? On one hand, with acting, I suppose I am avoiding whatever's wrong with me, whatever makes me sad, but on the other hand I can't imagine my life without it. Especially since I don't know what the problem is when I sink into the sad part of myself. How can I face something that I can't even identify? So it's easier to look forward, hope for the best, set goals, achieve, and move on. But maybe the key to me getting over whatever it is I'm affected by is relishing and being more grateful for the present?

I'm not looking for a therapist and I'm not necessarily looking for a solution or a different method for me to live my life...

To be honest, I've just confused myself. I don't know what I want out of this whole ramble...

But I do want to raise enough money to go to the university of my dreams. It's my only way out. I have to get there.

To stay here would be to...die.

You can go back to your life now,

Kiah