It's been a while...

Not just a while. It's been a year and a half.

I've noticed this trend that I have, to not finish what I start. According to astrology it's an Aries thing, but it would be really nice to overcome that. It would be nice to finish something one day.

So I'm taking a year off which, though I was excited about it in September, feels more like a mistake now. I long to leave my city and just journey out into the world. I crave to learn about new things (and though I am always on Wikipedia, I am not satisfied). I just want a new start. Sure, I'll miss my friends (I plan on moving across the country), but more than anything I need my independence.

I wonder if it's a bad thing to always be desiring something new. I first really thought about this in my English class in grade twelve. This one guy did a seminar on the Black Sox scandal and asked that question: "Is it bad to always be striving for something more?"

I answered no. Without a goal, I'd be lost. I make small ones day-to-day and have big ones for my life. I like the feeling of accomplishment whenever I finish one, and I like to always be making myself better. When I'm not doing that, life tends to be boring and depressing.

Well, he disagreed. He said he thinks we should focus more on what's good right now and be happy with what we have. We should appreciate life for what it's worth and then enjoy that which is new as it comes along.

I've never really thought of life that way, or at least not to the point when I've followed it. It's something that someone suggested a do a few years back when I was going through some things, but I never did. In fact, I kind of buried myself into acting.

Which brings me to another thought: if you find happiness only when you're doing one thing, is that bad? On one hand, with acting, I suppose I am avoiding whatever's wrong with me, whatever makes me sad, but on the other hand I can't imagine my life without it. Especially since I don't know what the problem is when I sink into the sad part of myself. How can I face something that I can't even identify? So it's easier to look forward, hope for the best, set goals, achieve, and move on. But maybe the key to me getting over whatever it is I'm affected by is relishing and being more grateful for the present?

I'm not looking for a therapist and I'm not necessarily looking for a solution or a different method for me to live my life...

To be honest, I've just confused myself. I don't know what I want out of this whole ramble...

But I do want to raise enough money to go to the university of my dreams. It's my only way out. I have to get there.

To stay here would be to...die.

You can go back to your life now,

Kiah