There's really only so much a person can take.
These next few months are going to be, without a doubt, pretty hard for me.
I'm trying not to be negative, but it's just so hard not to be.
3.1.12
Happy New Year
I think 2011 was my best year yet.
Though only about half of it was as good as I had hoped. From going on my first trip off the (main) continent to Punta Cana, to meeting The Buried Life, to my trip to New York City, to graduation, to Harry Potter, to seeing Mumford & Sons, to finally getting tickets to see the Arctic Monkeys (even if they're just the opening act).
The rest was all right, but overall it was good.
Let's hope 2012 does just as well.
Though only about half of it was as good as I had hoped. From going on my first trip off the (main) continent to Punta Cana, to meeting The Buried Life, to my trip to New York City, to graduation, to Harry Potter, to seeing Mumford & Sons, to finally getting tickets to see the Arctic Monkeys (even if they're just the opening act).
The rest was all right, but overall it was good.
Let's hope 2012 does just as well.
19.12.11
Lust
Being a teenager, lust is probably the biggest problem I have in my life.
And, being an 18 year old who only just had her first kiss a few months ago and has barely gone further, the combination of lust and frustration is terrible. On one hand, I want to just get the deed done, but on the other I don't want to regret it.
But is lust such a bad thing? I mean, we're mammals too, sex is of the few things we are built for. Is society shaming the act that's supposed to be natural?
That last question was rhetorical.
What's so wrong with sexuality? And why should we feel guilty about it?
With all this stuff built up inside of me, I find myself lusting after people that I have never thought of before and for that reason am reluctant to pursue. I mean, I want them, but then a little voice in my head tells me, "You'll regret it!" "Wait!" and then the voice lends me dumb words that leave me thinking about how the person is viewed by others and "would people disapprove of this?"
The fact is, I'm confused.
And the truth is that the two guys I'm surprisingly attracted to are both very nice.
But the question is: Do I like them, or is it just my hormones going wacky?
The only way to find out, I think, would be to go through with it.
But society has built such guilt in me when it comes to these things. And considering my own reputation/how my friends and others see me, I'm even more reluctant.
Again, this is a post without a point. Just my thoughts which, as usual, are jumbled and confused.
I have no idea what I want. And I think I have to start putting myself out there to find out.
But it's scary. And is lust even really a bad thing??
I can't seem to come to a conclusion.
You can go back to your life now,
And, being an 18 year old who only just had her first kiss a few months ago and has barely gone further, the combination of lust and frustration is terrible. On one hand, I want to just get the deed done, but on the other I don't want to regret it.
But is lust such a bad thing? I mean, we're mammals too, sex is of the few things we are built for. Is society shaming the act that's supposed to be natural?
That last question was rhetorical.
What's so wrong with sexuality? And why should we feel guilty about it?
With all this stuff built up inside of me, I find myself lusting after people that I have never thought of before and for that reason am reluctant to pursue. I mean, I want them, but then a little voice in my head tells me, "You'll regret it!" "Wait!" and then the voice lends me dumb words that leave me thinking about how the person is viewed by others and "would people disapprove of this?"
The fact is, I'm confused.
And the truth is that the two guys I'm surprisingly attracted to are both very nice.
But the question is: Do I like them, or is it just my hormones going wacky?
The only way to find out, I think, would be to go through with it.
But society has built such guilt in me when it comes to these things. And considering my own reputation/how my friends and others see me, I'm even more reluctant.
Again, this is a post without a point. Just my thoughts which, as usual, are jumbled and confused.
I have no idea what I want. And I think I have to start putting myself out there to find out.
But it's scary. And is lust even really a bad thing??
I can't seem to come to a conclusion.
You can go back to your life now,
Kiah
Without lust, there is no passion.
That's all folks.
UPDATE: So after some "research", I have concluded that lust really isn't a bad thing at all.
Without lust, there is no passion.
Being a passionate person myself, this is extremely important to me. What is anything without a little passion?
That's all folks.
29.11.11
A Quote
"To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places-- and there are so many-- where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory."
- Howard Zinn
Suck It Up!
So here is something that I've come to admit that I really have to start doing, but that I'm also finding impossible.
No matter what's going on, things will ultimately eventually get better. It might take a while, but they will change. Either that, or you'll get used to them, and things won't be so shitty anymore.
This year off that I'm taking is getting to me. It depresses me to the point that I'm not sure I can go on. I have nine months left of this, and I'm not sure I can even survive one.
I know I hold high expectations for myself. Since grade nine I expected, at this point, to be off at university, far away from my family and making new friends that maybe had a few more interests in common with me. Of course that's not the case. Of course I'm stuck in "The Bubble" with no way out but university, which is something I'll firstly have to wait for, and something I'll secondly have to try and afford.
I guess the stress is getting to me. And that stress is turning into anxiety. And that anxiety turns into depression.
I just need to remind myself to live. To keep dreaming. To keep hoping. Because nothing lasts forever.
This post was more for my personal benefit than the sharing of my own insights.
Unfortunately, this is something I'll never come to terms with. I'm too fucked up for that.
You can go back to your life now.
No matter what's going on, things will ultimately eventually get better. It might take a while, but they will change. Either that, or you'll get used to them, and things won't be so shitty anymore.
This year off that I'm taking is getting to me. It depresses me to the point that I'm not sure I can go on. I have nine months left of this, and I'm not sure I can even survive one.
I know I hold high expectations for myself. Since grade nine I expected, at this point, to be off at university, far away from my family and making new friends that maybe had a few more interests in common with me. Of course that's not the case. Of course I'm stuck in "The Bubble" with no way out but university, which is something I'll firstly have to wait for, and something I'll secondly have to try and afford.
I guess the stress is getting to me. And that stress is turning into anxiety. And that anxiety turns into depression.
I just need to remind myself to live. To keep dreaming. To keep hoping. Because nothing lasts forever.
This post was more for my personal benefit than the sharing of my own insights.
Unfortunately, this is something I'll never come to terms with. I'm too fucked up for that.
You can go back to your life now.
Kiah
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